Identity Crisis?
by Screaming Ferret
Summary: It only takes one Sith to fool them all, you know... Humour.


Author's Note: I am kept endlessly amused (and frustrated) by the seemingly interminable debate on theforce.net, concerning the identity of everyone's favourite Sith Master. To me, the answer seems as plain as the nose on his face. Palpatine is Sidious. End of story. But, people like to argue... If you feel the need to disagree, e-mail me. I like telling people why they're wrong ;)   
  
However, this (hopefully) amusing little ditty just pokes harmless fun at the people who like to get really creative with their speculation, as does the ficlet included with it. I think Lord Sidious would have a lot of fun with this debate, were he privy to it.  
  
Disclaimer: Star Wars, Darth Sidious et al belong to one Mr Lucas, but I'm sure you knew that ;) Ian McDiarmid, Christopher Lee and Rick McCallum belong to themselves. The twin-brothers theory only works if you're Kittenmommy.   
  
PS: Before we start, I'm fully prepared to swallow my pride and eat crow if I'm wrong. With GL, you never really know, do you?  
  
  
Identity Crisis?  
  
  
  
Darth Sidious liked the Internet. Not a lot of people knew that. You could be anyone you liked online, and oh the possibilities...  
  
Misdirection, misinformation and outright straight-faced lies liked the Internet too. They bred there like cyber rabbits. The Dark Side clouded everything, one wise Jedi Master had once said. True, but one well-placed post on the Internet could achieve a startlingly similar effect. You didn't have to keep your poker face on, either.   
  
Lord Sidious opened TFN's latest 'Is Palpatine Sidious? - Final, Ultimate Version Mk III' thread. This was still going on?  
  
It was too tempting.  
  
SO IF SIDIOUS IS.... OH, NEVER MIND - Final, Ultimate, Special Edition.  
There's this supremely sneaky Sith Lord...  
  
Master of deceit and every sort of fraud.  
  
He's got every single fanboy climbing up the walls.  
  
They can't agree on who he is - no, no, not at all.  
  
  
Some say Sifo Dyas is the Sithly man  
  
The ultimate SW 'villain with a plan...'  
  
One niggle: He has Palpy's nose  
  
It's rather distinctive, and heaven knows it shows.  
  
  
So to explain that hugely impressive beak  
  
Proliferate the theories that tirelessly speak  
  
Of clones, Force-vampires and Sith Ghosts.  
  
But apart from the obvious, it's the clones they like the most...  
  
  
"Palpatine's a clone - I'm betting my right arm.  
  
And when Sid takes over, Palpy'll buy the farm"  
  
He's a machinating Machiavelli, certainly -   
  
But that's to be expected 'cos politics can be dirty.  
  
  
But what if they're brothers separated at birth?  
  
(Here we pause for the poet to politely express her mirth)  
  
Heavens above! That ship's sailed, the plot's been done -   
  
And I suppose you say Anakin's his son?  
  
  
So if Sidious is a sly Sith Ghost, as some propose  
  
How does that explain his amazing nose?  
  
You know the one - it protrudes from his hood.  
  
Looks familiar? It's on Palpy's face - it should.  
  
  
The author of this ditty is prepared to eat her hat  
  
If the Sith Master's some kind of vampire, and that's a fact.  
  
"He might be a Dark Side Dracula - complete with Palpy double.  
  
It's a pity Mr Lee plays Dooku, or the Jedi'd be in trouble..."  
  
  
It would be pointless for them to be separate people.  
  
Did you miss the hints in TPM and its fantastic sequel?  
  
And although McDiarmid wisely declines to comment  
  
Mr. Producer Rick McCallum's often spoken of it.  
  
  
All the clues are there: Palpatine is Sidious.  
  
To theorise any different is utterly ridiculous.  
  
Otherwise the whole shebang would be rather silly -  
  
Please, Mr. Lucas, it's obvious Palpatine is Siddy...  
  
...isn't he?  
  
The Dark Lord of the Sith sat back in his chair. The left-hand corner of his mouth twitched upwards slightly in what his apprentices - past and present - would tell you was a positively cheerful smile from him.  
  
If the audience had trouble deducing his identity, the Jedi had no hope.  
  
Excellent.  
  
Everything was going as planned. 


End file.
